Payback time Draco from a Scottish elf!
by CoralPotion
Summary: Hermione is standing sobbing in the girls toilets after Draco Malfoy called her a mudblood in her second year. But what happens when feisty Scottish elf Fergus makes friends with her and he plots revenge on Malfoy for upsetting her? VERY FUNNY STUFF FERGUS IS A LEGAND!
1. Chapter 1- An unexpected visiter

Hi I'm in a funny mood today so I thought I'd write this because in my head it sounded hilarious!

It is set after Draco Malfoy called Hermione a mudblood in their second year - the chamber of secrets and the trio have JUST walked out from visiting Hagrid.

Hermione makes a trip to the girls bathroom - One with myrtle stalking it, and meets an elf called Fergus who is Scottish who takes no crap from nobody and decides Draco needs a lesson in manners. Ah got to love our Scottish humour.

Enjoy!

* * *

"I'm just going to the little girls room, I will see you boys later" 12 year old Hermione Granger said walking quickly to the girls bathroom.

She didn't want Harry or Ron to think she was a cry-baby but she couldn't help it! Malfoy- that... monster said something unforgivable! Just because her parents are not wizards so that automatically makes her dirty blood(!)

"Stupid, stupid Malfoy!" sobbed Hermione as she pushed open the girls toilets and leaned over the sink, looking into the dusty mirrors she saw moaning Myrtle hovering about.

"Why are you crying?" Myrtle said coldly as she floated around every cubical in the toilets.

"Draco Malfoy was mean to be because I'm a muggleborn" Hermione choked out in-between sobs

Myrtle cackled at her " Well sure! Go cry about it! Poor Hermione Poor Poor girl! I got killed when someone was mean to me NOT YOU!" she let out a loud moan and dived into a toilet - not appearing again.

Hermione wiped her now red puffy eyes with her sleeve, Moaning Myrtle should know better than anyone what it feels like to be called a mudblood- she was muggleborn just like her!

"Wipe those eyes Lassie, nay need tai greet over a midden arse like him" a voice said which made Hermione look around her.

"Hello? Myrtle if that is you I am not in the mood!" Hermione shouted but then let a short scream at an elf looking down at her from her head.

The elf jumped off Hermione's head into the sink so he was roughly eye level to her.

"I'm sorry I startled ye" the elf said apologetically

Hermione laughed a little then replied "I'm sorry, I'm not used to having elfs looking down at me from on the top of my head!" with a sad smile she gave him.

"My names Fergus at yer service lass" the elf bowed humouring her.

Hermione giggled then said: "Hello Fergus I'm Hermione Granger, I'm in 2nd year and in Gryffindore" she shook his little hand gently

"So 'ermione, wits wi the water works? Somebody upset ye hen?" Fergus asked sitting down on the edge of the bowl careful not to fall off.

She laughed a sorrowful laugh then sniffed wiping the excess tears away.

"Fergus, you know about muggleborns right?"

"Course I dey, what 'bout them?"

"Are... are you one of those, pureblood fanatics?"

The elf fell off the sink in hysterical laughter, Hermione kneeled down to see if he was alright but looked confused when she saw the elf wiping his eyes and clutching his ribs.

"Oh Lassie, Oh jings crivens help ma boab! OH I've no hud a good laugh like that in many a year let me tell ye!" he laughed again then stood up and walked a pace towards her.

"I dinnie see whit the problem is wi 'em, 'hey're normal people like ye or ma - self, to me all those bloody purebloods need a right good 'hacking wi a mullet, the bloody ejits, lot o' tripe wallop! Pureblood and muggleborns and halfbloods anaw they're all the same bloody folk! Just muppets who cannie see straight oot their arse!" The elf ranted causing Hermione to be the one doubled over in hysterics.

"Whits so funny?" Fergus asked crawling on her tummy and twirling her hair.

"I'm sorry it's because your Scottish and you ranting makes it much funnier! I've never met a Scottish elf before" Hermione said calming finally.

"Och aye, and I bet yeve never heard a elf fi Glassgow before either?"

"Cant say I have I'm afraid"

"Oh they're brilliant them! Ma cousin John in the three broomsticks yesterday was takin' the absolute piss outeh Severus Snape - funny man" he laughed

"Who Snape?!" Hermione questioned him

"Naw ma cousin!" the elf cackled along with the witch.

Fergus came from a wealthy family in Scotland and was set free by his kind master but decided to still serve them as they were so kind to him, amoungst the many people who were nice to house elfs. He was 40 years old in a matter of days and was looking around Hogwarts where he was once made go before his kind master brought him. The family name was... Millton or something similar to it, and was having a look around again with the blessing of Dumbledore of course.

When he heard a wean crying her wee eyes out, poor wee thing was hunched over a sink sobbing hysterically while being teased by that moaning cow Myrtle or "Turtle" as he liked to call him as she has the same attention span of one, or possibly even less! Fergus had decided, he was going to help the little girl cheer up, and show that little shit Malfoy that he had no right to say that, especially to such a lovely wee lassie such as Hermione.

"That wee Mafloy's a crow faced git - he is!" The elf exclaimed clicking his fingers to create a hairstyle on his like Draco's.

"Oh I'm Draco Malfoy, Ma hairs so slack and sleakit just like ma self, oh and look I'm a pureblood hardy har har" while mimicking the child to perfection.

There was no sign of those tears that were lined on the little girl's face now, only a smile that the sun and moon would die for.

"That's exactly like him Fergus!" She laughed and hugged him. The little elf patted her back.

Aye, he liked this wee witch, she'd make a great pal to anyone who met her.

"'ermione, me and yerself are goin' tay git revenge on that wee brat faced monkey"

"But how? I don't want him hurt!" The girl cried, scared the elf was going to set fire to him or something

"Naw he'll no be hurt, I've got a plan" the elf said whispering the rest into her ear.

Her eyes suddenly shone a mischievous gold colour.

"LETS DO IT!"

* * *

**Scottish translations incase anyone needs them.**

**Naw - No**

**Yerself - yourself**

**Tay- to**

**sleakit- sleaked**

**Whits- What's**

**Midden- a mischievous person often referenced to a child**

**Ma - my**

**'em - means them but I was trying to follow how Hagrid pronounces words**

**Och aye- means oh yes**

**dey- do**

**Lassie/ Lass - a female/ girl**

**Wi - with**

**Hud- had**

**jings crivens help ma boab- a Scottish phrase that just means something like: Good heavens or oh mighty me, it can be said to express annoyance, impatientnes, if something is too much like too funny, exclaimation like if someone shouted it the state of your bedroom or something.**

**oot - out**

**ejits- idiot**

**Outeh - out of (it isn't spelt like this but it is how it would be said)**

**Yer - your**

**Yeve - you have**

* * *

_So how was it so far? I've put a lot of what I say daily in here so for those people abroad I'm sorry if you cant understand what I meant._

_Anyone actually looking forward to chapter 2?_

_Fergus has a BEAUTY of payback for Malfoy let me assure you!_

_Draco Malfoy: My father will hear about this!  
__Me: Oh good, when you tell him - tell him that Coral Potion says he's tidy and he's sexy_

_Draco Malfoy: EWWWW!_

_Me: Well? On you go then - mind tell him!  
__Draco Malfoy *leaves*_

_Me: He's not gonna tell him is he? oh well *wanders of shouting "OH CROCODILE!"*_


	2. Chapter 2- REVENGE IS SWEEEEEETTTTTT!

A:N- Hey guys sorry I've been away for ages! Studying

So yeah Fergus is plotting revenge on a young Mr Draco Malfoy for upsetting his new best pal Hermione. I don't know what he will do, Fergus is a very unpredictable character!

Hope you enjoy- usual stuff not mine JKR and crap but Fergus belongs to me so no stealies! XD. Mild swearing.

* * *

Hermione sat beside Harry in the great hall and was nearly giggling with excitement.

"What are you so giddy about Hermione?" Harry asked her

She held in a rising laugh and as calmly as she could answered: " Nothing Harry, I am just in a cheery mood today" she smiled

Ron as he guzzled a slice of bread mumbled: "Thank god for that" then went back to guzzling.

Fergus poked his head around the door, perfect, everyone was there. Malfoy wont know what hit him unless he is as daft as that bat Sybil.

"Could I have your attention please?" Professor Dumbledore announced silencing the hall as the students looked at him.

"Thank you, today we are very lucky to have a someone here today who is going to entertain us with his truly magical gift" as he finished his sentence Professor Flitwick stood up on his chair so everyone could see him.

"Thank you headmaster- I must say this is unexpected!" He giddily exclaimed and went to go step off the chair.

"Er... Professor, as talented as you are-"

"I must say Hogwarts needs some music to liven her up don't you think?" the little man continued

Dumbledore was standing there like a fish out of water...

"Albus isn't talking about you Filius sit down for goodness sake!" McGonnagal hissed at him, the poor man sadly sat down.

The hall erupted in laugher at the man's mistake, poor Professor Flitwick turned red and sat back down on his chair, for once being thankful he was so small.

Professor Snape scoffed at the poor man's embarrassment which made McGonnagal give him a death glare- ooooohhh brave...

Clearing his throat Dumbledore continued. "Yes, as I was saying, today Hogwarts is lucky to have a very special person come visit us and to bring a little... Distraction from the terrible goings on. He is well known in the wizarding world as the preacher of the teacher, laugh around clown, chuckles himself- give a warm Hogwarts welcome to Fergus the elf!" Dumbledore clapped loudly while the rest of the school joined in. The doors were open but no one came...

"hmm hmm Fergus the elf!" He tried again still nothing.

Dumbledore sighed "what do all house elf's want?" As soon as he finished saying that sentence,an elf wearing a tartan kilt, a Scottish flag pole in his pocket (like off the back of a kids bike) and yelling "FREEDOM!" came bolting in like a hyper child on a sugar high.

"He's a bloody elf Harry, how excited can you get?" Ron scoffed and yelped when Fergus poked a finger at time.

"Aye that be true (lol sounds like a pirate!) laddie, help ma bob you cannie catch a break wi you young yins" Fergus cackled and grabbed Harry's hand over Ron's head.

"Mr Harry Potter a pleasure tai meet ye son, aye a've heard gid stuff 'bout ye lad, you likin' Hogwarts?"

Harry just sat there, it took him a couple of minutes to figure out what the elf was saying with such a baud accent.

"Eh yeah... thanks erm Fergus was it?" Harry answered slightly caught of guard. Ron was to busy going back to eating but at the same time embarrassed that he was embarrassed by an elf!

Fergus then draped himself over Ron's knee pretending he had fainted, clutching his heart dramatically "Och bless ma soul! Harry Potter knows ma name! Me! A wee house elf!" he then sighed dreamily like a fangirl. Ron was looking at Harry with a "What the bloody hell is going on?" face which made the whole of Gryffindor table laugh which then spread to the other tables.

"Load of rubbish over a stupid creature like a house elf!" Scoffed Draco to Crabbe and Goyle who sniggered back. Fergus heard this and got off Ron but not before he patted him on the head and said "Cheers fur catchin' me lad, dinnie worry- ginger's a gid colour tai have on yer heed, colour o' Irn Bru that" then walked off to Malfoy.

"Harry what the bloody hell is Irn Bru?" Ron elbowed Harry but Harry only shrugged, Hermione laughed quietly at Ron's thickness.

"It cannie be, surely no... Draco Malfoy! Aw son 'ere your a pure legend!" Fergus stood in the gap between the tables in the middle between Slytherin and Hufflepuff (idk what house was beside it sorry...)

Draco Malfoy turned his attention to the house elf praising him. Being the smug git he was (according to Ron!) he haughtily turned his nose up and replied "I know that already elf- no need to state the obvious." The whole of Slytherin and a couple of others laughed but Hermione was angry sat how impolite he was to Fergus.

"I hope he plays his trick soon..." she thought.

Fergus pulled out a tissue and pretended to cry- when suddenly he let out a spray of water which soaked half of the Slytherins apart from Draco and a few others.

"Need a towel Malfoy?" Fred and George jeered while laughing into their sides.

"Headmaster- surely that is unacceptable-" Snape hissed to the headmaster but Dumbledore just waved his hand at him as if to say "Shut up Severus, you're only saying that because it is your house" which was true, if it had been Gryffindor then Snape would have laughed and asked for it to happen again so he could somehow magically record it. (Hmmm I wonder _HOW_ you _would be able_ to record it... hmmm)

"Och am such a wee midden me! 'ere is something tai dry of wi" as he blew across a thin napkin than the Slytherins dodged like it was an explosive dung-bomb.

"In fact, seein' how Draco Malfoy is the best of everythin' a 'hink he should say summon!" Fergus gleefully cheered and started chanting "Draco! Draco! Draco!" Now all of Slytherin was cheering on Draco, so he stood up at the table.

"This school needs a firm example of what magical blood actually is, proper magical blood from Merlin himself, not... 'tainted' blood from the common, vulgar 'ofspring'"

Hermione slowly turned red and went to stand up when Pavarti put her hand on her shoulder pushing her back down lightly- then gave her an empathetic look.

"Aye right enough lad, 'ere Draco a'll tell ye whit, tai back up that statement so tai speak, a've got somethin' you wrote that am gonne share wi everyone" Fergus said then pulled out no other than Draco Malfoy's dairy...

"Give that back you little beast!" Draco yelled and tried to get the book back but Fergus kept disappearing into thin air. Hermione knew it! No one believed her but she always said that only certain people could disapparate in Hogwarts and obviously house elfs were one of them.

"Dear Diary" Fergus started in a posh voice to resemble Malfoy.

"Today Crabbe and Goyle were being idiots and they wouldn't colour in the lines- I mean really how hard is it!" laughter erupted from the hall as Draco grew madder and tried harder to get the diary back.

"Headmaster!" Draco screamed at him as Snape also thought internally.

Dumbledore just shook his head, well Draco DID deserve it... after all he was a little crap...

"Diary, Pansy keeps stalking me and I don't like it, she never wants to play Dora the explorer with me and says I am to old for Telebubbies but I'M NOT I LOVE PO! TINKY-WINKY, DIPSEY, LALA AND PO FOREVER!" Fergus continued reading while gasping for air as tears streamed down his face. Draco yelled and stormed out the great hall with a very loud laughter following him.

"My father will here about this..." he told himself - oohhhhh scared(!)

Fergus giggled again and sat on the table beside Hermione and leaned next to her. "Dear Diary, mother sent me more talcum powder today for my nappy (diaper if American) rash and sent more huggies for night-time. I lost Jeff my cuddly turtle yesterday but he was hiding under my pillow, I like to hug him while sucking my thumb when I go to sleep, father doesn't know this but mother says I can stay her little baby for a bit longer. Also diary I have to confess, the other day I needed to go poo-poo but when I got to the toilet it started to growl at me and I ended up pooping my pants and started to cry, when Pansy asked me what was the matter I told her to keep her ugly nose out of my business-" Fergus paused before looking at Pansy "Sorry Hen!" then continued reading.

"St Potter and weasel face have been annoying me in class, how dare they talk in my presence! and that Granger girl... don't worry diary, one day she will come to my room and she will play Dora with us like we always dreamed of! But she must say the secret word "Poopy pants" to get into the secret club that is SO SECRET it's only you I can trust. Oh and Jeff of course DUH! Well I better go to sleepy-byes I've got potions tomorrow with Snape who LOVES ME cause I'm a cutie like what mother says and I don't go poop in his class, only McGonagall's." Fergus tried biting his lip to not laugh but because the whole room was violently laughing so hard he couldn't hold it in.

"Well Minnie hen, at least we ken now it isnie yer class that's 'poo'" Hermione laughed hard and gripped her ribs aching with pain as Harry and Ron thought they were going to pee if they didn't stop laughing.

McGonagall give him the "Watch it Elf" half/evil eye stare/glare then focused once more. Fergus walked up to the podium and gave Snape the diary.

"'Ere ye go Professor, there's that wee monkey sod's diary, tell 'em next time tai no be so bloody boring. Oh also Snape, Snape may a call ye Severus- wonderful right Sevvie dear now a'll no tell ye again lad go wash yer hair ye greasy wee toerag!" Fergus exclaimed as Snape jumped from the table and ran after him. Fergus ran around the room and high fived Peeves in the process.

"FERGUS! PEVVSIES HAPPY!" the poltergeist cried out doing loops in the air.

"Nice tai see ye too Peevs lad!" he shouted as he ducked Snape's arm and crawled under the table.

Before he vanished into thin air he handed Hermione a note and winked. "SEE YE LATER HOGWARTS! FERGUS OOT!" then disappeared leaving the Scottish flag in smoke where he stood. Snape was fuming.

"GO TO YOUR DORMATRIES IMMEDIATLY!" and with that everyone left, as fun as that was Snape was a really scary dude... even when he seemed happ- when he was in a ok... in a 'Snape Mood!'.

When Hermione went to the dorms, she giggled with Harry and Ron for about 10 whole minutes.

"Did, did you see the l,l,look on Malfoy'ss face whe... when..." Harry gasped for air while laughing then said as he and Ron looked at each other. "ABOUT GOING POOP!" They said in usion, making them fall over onto the floor and literally 'roll about laughing'.

When the trio eventually calmed down and said goodnight to each other, Hermione sat on her bed and read the crumbled up note.

* * *

**_Dear Hermione,_**

**_Don't you listen to that stupid oof Malfoy, he's a little poopy arse who needs his backside skelped!_**

**_You are the most wonderful witch, I have heard such amazing, wonderful things about you hen, you dinnie need blood status to tell you that._**

**_Your more than the 'brains' or 'Harry Potter's friend', Hermione you are gifted, wonderful, kind, loving and selfless person I've ever met and I've been around as long as Snape! - Okay maybe not Snape cause he is ancient!_**

**_If you ever need me or want to speak here is my owl address:_**

_37 Sighthear Avenue _

_Godric's Hollow_

**_I'll see you later Hermione. You go show 'em kid, you prove 'em all wrong!_**

**_Love Fergus- your wee Scottish pal! and midden exposer! _**

* * *

Hermione smiled and put the letter in her safe keeping box and locked it with her special key and put the key in the box under the bed.

She thought on the day, she didn't feel sorry for Draco- he got what he deserved... If he's embarrassed? Tough luck! and with that Hermione got changed into her pyjamas and crawled into bed and turned of the lamp.

"Goodnight Hermione" the girls in the dorm whispered in case they woke anyone up.

"Goodnight girls" she whispered then fell asleep.

* * *

**Well what do we think? Vocabs below so you can check that out if you need to. **

**And thanks for reading! I'm not going to go any further with this story but I'm sure our little friend wont be too far away... **

**Did you like the humour? I worked really hard on this- I am so tired from school and wanted to play the Sims BUT I love you all too much so here's my late Christmas/birthday/other event present to you!**

**Review if you want to but it would mean a lot but no pressure! :)**

**Fergus: Oi you aye you! Whit ye no reviewing fur? You wee-**

**Me: FERGUS! Be nice to the nice readers!**

**Fergus: Sorry dear-**

**Me: Good! Wait what?!**

**Malfoy: HA!**

**Me: Draco go get Mummy to wipe your backside and watch the teletubbies!**

**Draco *squeals!* YAY!**

**Fergus: A dinnie even ken whit tai say tai that...**

**Me: Bye! **

**Fergus: AYE CHERRIO!**

* * *

**Midden- mischievous person- more said to a child**

**Tai- to **

**Ye- you. Yer meaning your**

**Oot- out**

**Wee Toerag- little monkey/scamp/troublemaker stuff like that**

**Cheerio- bye**

**Aye- yes**

**Ken- know**

**Dinnie- don't **

**Skelped- smacked, some people would say "I'll skelp your backside!" meaning I'm gonna hit you.**

**'Gid- Good**

**Lad/Laddie- boy **

**'av'e - have**

**Och- oh**

**Cannie- can't **

**Ma- my **

**Wi- with**

**Whit - What (I say this on purpose to annoy the hell out of my mum LOL!)**

**Hen - NOT THE BIRD! a Girl/Lass/Lassie/Female/Girly alien - That's for you Alfie! (Friend at school...)**

**Isnie- isn't**

**If I've missed anything leave it in the comments and I'll sort it out! **

**Thanks so much everyone- I will be updating soon! If you can PLEASE take my poll on what I should write next- only you can give me inspiration! I'll think about you all when I'm bored in class tomorrow- wish Fergus would come to my school i'll tell you- Malfoy being called out would seem like a kiss from the sugar plum fairy! xxxx**


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